Another apology and plea for patience I'm afraid. A combination of the following has recently led me to the brink of a nervous breakdown and, more importantly, kept me from writing on here:

* the discovery that I suffer from migraine,
(thankfully diagnosed as I didn't know what the fuck was happening to me,)

* a bout of flu which has well and truly put me on my ass,
(just about through that now but still coughing up blood,)

* missing work due to the above and thereby building up a hefty backlog of graft,
(plus a whole world of shit due to one of my colleagues recently leaving though, if you're reading this C, I really can't blame you ;) )

* missing yet another publishing deadline due to the above,
(I WILL finish that damn book!)

* wading through the usual family politics shit to help care for my increasingly senile Grandma,
(this just sucks worse than anything,)

* another great big dose of headfucking domestic strife,
(I may or may not currently be in a relationship,)

Actually ended up ringing the Samaritans for the first time ever last weekend, which helped a bit. I highly recommend them, (08457909090) You'd be surprised how much telling someone you're right on the edge can help pull you back from it.

It's in that spirit that I share this with you guys. I'm still in that stop gap limbo as described last time and it's a tough place to be but, as also mentioned last time, there are plenty of people a whole lot worse off than me.

One thing living with depression demands of you is the ability to know when to trust yourself. For example, earlier today, (having slept for 19 hours straight, what's that all about?) I forced myself into town to buy the food I didn't want but know I have to eat.

At the time I really didn't want to go on, couldn't bare the thought of it. Writing this now however, I feel stronger and more philosophical about the whole thing. I guess it's about faith, about hanging on and relying on the fact that nothing can ever stay the same.

There's plenty going on in the world right now for me to rage about but the best I can currently muster is despair and subsequent apathy. At times like these, like earlier today, it becomes obvious what's important, I recognise the things that keep me going:

* music,
(Electric Wizard is the soundtrack to my life,)

* weed,
(I'm all about Mary, she's the last glimmer hope I have,)

* writing,
(it takes a hell of a lot of effort but not even Mary can make me fly as high,)

* mates,
(people like GeordieKeith and of course my most excellent friend T, sorry I've been off the radar recently mate, still love ya bro :) )

* my cat,
(she wrecks stuff, pukes on the carpet and wakes me up horrendously early, I dote on her furry little head,)

I swear to all your gods that without these things I would not be here to inflict my gibberish upon you. Through each of these I find the strength to bite down and keep on keeping on. One day things will be better, I have to believe this is true.

One day I'll be a writer with no boss or rude, racist co-workers(1) and the financial independence to live my life as I see fit and say a big fuck you to anyone and everyone else. These are my Elysian Fields, my Great Hall, my Nirvana and my Heaven. Like the Nebula song says, "you can choose your space, paradise is now." With a little help I'll get there, or die trying.

Anyway, I do have some words in mind to fill your hungry screens in the near future so, like the man in the shades said, "I'll be back."

footnote

(1) to be fair to the people I work with I only have one rude, racist co-worker but frankly that's enough!